Less than a week…

Less than a week away, it’s hard to believe.  October 5th, 2007 changed my life forever.  It’s a day ingrained in my brain, even though some details are out of focus, and others are etched deeply.  I wish I could go back in time.  I wish I’d hugged him longer before he left for work that morning.  I wish I’d lingered on his lips a few more moments before he said goodbye.  I wish I hadn’t been so clumsy that morning, breaking the coffee pot and starting the day off bad.  I wish I’d known that that would be the last time I ever saw my husband alive.  I wish I answered his call that afternoon and been able to speak to him one last time.  I wish I could have told him I love him over the phone, and told him about how much I’d felt the baby kicking that day.  I wish… I wish….

I was in such shock last year.  At this point, almost a year later, the shock has worn off, but I still don’t believe it.  I remember all the support so many people offered me, individuals wrapping their arms around me in warm hugs.  I didn’t want to accept those hugs.  I remember thinking that I didn’t want anyone to hug me because that meant something was wrong, it meant I needed those hugs for a reason… a reason I couldn’t accept.  I only wanted Mike’s hugs.

I remember thinking that I would never make it to this point.  I tried to imagine my life, alone, with a seven and half month old baby, fatherless, and I couldn’t picture it.  I just knew I wasn’t strong enough to survive.  I knew I didn’t want to survive.  I was forced to.  I used to get upset at Mike for getting me pregnant, because being pregnant was the only thing that kept me alive.  All I could think about was wanting to join him, wherever he is.

I guess the one year mark is hard for many reasons.  That first year is when I had to struggle my way through all those firsts… the first day, the first month, the first holiday, the first Christmas, the first birthday, the first time traveling, the first time at a favorite restaurant.  There were so many difficult firsts.  That in itself was hard enough, but then the birth of our son really created a whole new realm of firsts.  Now each time I watch Eli do something for the first time, all I can think about is that Mike isn’t here to see it.  A baby has so many firsts within that first year, all of which are occurring within my first year without Mike.  Some days I put Eli to bed at night, when the day is over and I have time to think to myself and I seriously wonder how in the world I’m doing this.

Thankfully I won’t be alone this coming 5th.  My family, Mike’s family and some friends are coming in to be here, to celebrate Mike’s life, to lend support, and to give Eli some love.  It’ll be wonderful to see everyone, but looming overhead is the grief that never leaves my side.

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2 Comments

  1. Chris Cote
    Posted October 3, 2008 at 1:59 pm | Permalink

    Just wanted to leave a note that though Brenda, Austin, and I will not be with you and Eli, we will be thinking of Mike.

  2. Ann
    Posted October 11, 2008 at 12:05 am | Permalink

    I am so glad to hear you had so much support on the 5th. I was thinking about you and hoping you and Eli would get through it okay. He is sooooo cute…I think he gets more adorable in every picture!

    Love,

    Ann

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