5 years

It’s shockingly hard to believe it’s been 5 years.  I remember vividly the moment when my world shattered beneath me and the baby growing inside me.  I remember it like it just happened, and I wish I could delete from my mind.  Many things have happened during these past five years, things I never could have imagined.  In fact, sometimes I’m still surprised I’m here today, amongst the living.

October 5th, 2007 forever changed my life.  I am no longer the same person I once was.  I realize that most of us aren’t the same people we were five years ago, but it seems different to me.  When talking with friends, I realize how differently I look at life now, differently than I used to, and differently than “normal” people do.  I find myself thinking about death on a regular basis, and the “what-ifs” in life.  I clearly recall moments of break-downs I experienced, walking through the grocery store and literally falling to the floor sobbing, unable to comprehend how everyone else could go on with their lives like the world hasn’t just ended, only to remember that it was only my world that crashed.  Or sitting at the park with my newborn son, watching a young family kicking a ball, which included a father, and knowing that would never be us.  I no longer have these horrific break-downs.  It’s amazing how we grow into stronger, more adaptable people as needed.  When five years is not really that long in the grand scheme of life, I still never thought I’d be here.

With my Itty-Bitty-Smitty at my side this October 5th, I read a speech I hope made Mike proud.  I tried to capture the pureness and essence of Mike, and let the friends and family I’m closest to know how they have helped me and done more for me than I could ever have hoped for.  I’ve wanted to be brave enough to do this for a long time, but when I get choked up just reading it, I knew I could never read those words.  This time was no exception, however when the time came, and I thought I was going to lose it again, sweet and innocent Eli helped to break the ice for me.  And I did it.   And I did more that day than I could even comprehend doing five years ago.  And may he rest in peace beneath the waves…

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