My almost 2 year old

My little boy, two years ago he was still in my womb.  I carried him, nurtured him, loved him beyond belief before we had even met.  I never knew a bond between a mother and her son could exist such as this.

My Eli, keeper of my heart, brings tears to my eyes and drowns me in joy nearly every minute of every day.  However, this young man of mine is definitely an almost two year old boy, and he’s acting the part lately!

I didn’t know anyone could get under my skin in the way he does… and I mean that in both good and bad ways!  He can make me so mad by doing something one minute (particularly disobeying something I just asked him not to do), and the next minute he’s hugging me, saying he’s sorry and melting my heart once again.  How can a little boy, someone who’s not even two years old yet, drive me sooooooo crazy?!?!?!?!

Two is a difficult age for me.  To be the only parent of a two year old is even harder.  It’s difficult to teach someone the ways of the world, to someone who doesn’t even know the difference between good and bad yet.  Being a parent is truly the most difficult job in the world.  It’s hard to call the shots and do it in the most positive of ways.  It would be much easier to just get angry, to yell and to punish my son.  To collect myself, to calm myself, to really stop and think about what the best way to tackle this issue would be is extremely hard.  Specifically when you are suffering, when you are in some form of pain, whether that be physical or emotional, it amplifies one’s anger, one’s temper, and the length of one’s fuse.

Even though I may not be having a complete grieving breakdown at the same time that Eli shows his ugly colors in the form of a tantrum, the pain is still within me, and I have to fight to keep it from coming out on him.  It’s a struggle for me and I can only imagine it is for Eli too.  He doesn’t know how to control his feelings, thoughts and urges.  Hell, I’m only just learning how to do that too.  So I must always remember in the back of my mind, when Eli is throwing himself on the floor, screaming, kicking, telling me “NO!” who the two year old is in this relationship.

~~~

Eli’s 2nd birthday is fast approaching, only one week from today.  I’ll be throwing a little party for him to celebrate the day of his birth.  And since his birthday falls on Valentine’s Day, I needed to have the party that evening, so I can surround myself with my friends on the day of love.  This is a very hard day for me.  It’s a mixture of emotions wrapped up in one day when I should be nothing but happy and excited for my son.  I cannot help but dwell on the empty feeling inside, missing the father of my son on his birthday and on Valentine’s day.

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3 Comments

  1. Marie
    Posted February 8, 2010 at 2:47 am | Permalink

    WOW — how you describe that you & Elia are both learning how to control your own emotions is so poignant — I admire your strength & wisdom. Know that we will all be thinking of you three, especially next week. Have fun with your Floridian Family!!! And a Happy Birthday to Eli too — He has really grown up FAST since December…you can easily see it in the pictures. A cute dimply little man!!!!

  2. Amy
    Posted February 10, 2010 at 2:41 pm | Permalink

    I am going through somewhat the same thing with John. It is so difficult when he is throwing a temper tantrum. Even though John isn’t home a lot in the evenings, I can’t imagine how hard it is to handle every tantrum by yourself. Kim I think about you two all the time and am mad at myself for not spending more time with you while you were in Ohio. Hope everything goes well for Eli’s birthday!

  3. Julie
    Posted February 14, 2010 at 8:36 pm | Permalink

    Happy Birthday Eli!! Can’t wait to see b-day pictures!!

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